Special Edition Feel Me Up: Not your mother's post

Dudes! A special treat today (unless you hate this; in which case prepare for your own personal hell). Candyland has super-magnifi-tastic plans to see NEWFREAKINGMEDICINE tomorrow, so Imma let you Feel Me Up a day early, if ya don't mind. No need to wash, I've got some answers that don't care what's on your hands.

Amy asks: What's your favorite Candy? and What's your favorite Land (Country)?
Hrm..TWIX because they feel like drum sticks (???) and, um, the land of where I'm from (see sidebar)

Sarah Ahiers asks: What would you eat for your last meal?
The Melting Pot's four course fondue FEAST. My faaavvoorriitteee evvva.

Elana J asks: Do you dye your hair?
Not only do I color it, but I color it like every 2-3 weeks. I'm OCD, remember, and once the color starts to fade, I do it over. I want vibrance, people!

Melissa Gill asks: Where'd you get the a-hole cat? And was it your idea?
Oh crap. Well I had his trampy mother first, who birthed a litter when I graduated high school. I "adopted" (was stuck with) what was left of them after finding homes. He, and his sister, are two of them. Boy am I lucky.

Kelly asks: I probably should have asked you when I met you in blogville, but do you prefer being called Candy or Candace? Or Candyland?
Whatever you choose, I will answer to, as long as there's a CAND in there somewhere.

Kindros asks: If you had to choose one color you could never see again, which color would it be? Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again? And why is the rum gone?
I would choose orange. It's a frumpy color. And I would rather never speak again. That's what the computer is for. And if you want to know where the rum is, ask your mother. We had a wild night.

Nicole Zoltack asks: What's your favorite movie?
My favorite of all time is Dazed and Confused, but Superbad is right up there.

Bryan Russell asks: Who was the last person to actually scratch your chin?
Me, as far as I know.

Lydia K asks: What's your favorite guilty-pleasure pop song?
Oh snap. I love all the traditional "don't tell anyone you love this" crap. Currently, with a 4yo, I have to say anything by Demi Lovato, The JoBros, Selena Gomez or really anyone I should NEVER listen to.

Janet Jonson asks: What kind of toothpaste do you use?
Crest VIVID WHITE. I want to blind you with my smile. Seriously. I'm a whitening freak.

Shannon McMahon asks: What were you like in high school?
Oh, man. I was, well, pretty much as you read me on here except WEIRDER (yes, it's possible). I used to dress up like Mary Katherine Gallegher, listened to Snoop Dogg, and danced. A lot. I had friends but wasn't "the popular one," I laughed a lot, loved more than I should have and didn't pay as much attention in school as I wish I had.

Myne Whitman asks: What is your writing process?
Procrastinate. Open the computer. Check email. Check MyBook, Blitter, etc. Open Word doc. Check email. Turn TV to a different show. Hum a tune stuck in my head. Start the washer. Forget what I was doing. Make dinner. See the computer and remember I was supposed to write. Feel sleepy. Decide to do it the next day. Repeat process until too much time has elapsed and I kick my own ass into gear just to be able to check it off the list of things.

(Side note: I WISH I had more quiet time to actually, you know, get in the zone. But my short attention span doesn't allow for me....) (Sorry I got bored with my own sentence).

Sharon K. Mayhew asks: What is your favorite kind of lettuce?
Iceburg, thank you for asking. No one EVER asks me what kind of lettuce I like and I've been dying to answer. I'm so relieved now.

Joanna St. James asks: Do you like lady gaga? Remember the revisions you had to do? Did you finish em and send it out? What's the status on that?
Um, no, I do not like her.
Yes, I remember those revisions. They were MY personal hell.
Yes, I did finish them.
Yes I did send them out...(see About Candyland; sidebar)

Until next time, friends, what were YOU like in high school? Are you different now?
Candylandlovesyou. OUT.

I'm the wind beneath your freakin' wings

In case you haven't noticed, there is a HUGE difference between men and women. I mean, aside from the obvious, (I'm not about to stick my size 7 foot in my mouth here), there's the un-obvious or the anti-obvs, or you may call it "Nobs." These are things like opinions on neutral subjects (cheese, water temperature, toilets) feelings (since men don't usually have them), and sometimes even social media (things of the PG nature).

Like TV.

Sure, the hubs may have thought we settled down to watch The X-Life (on VH1) for fun. You know, to un-wind or "relax." INSERT LAUGHTER. He was wrong. I can find hidden codes (while doing my nails, thank you), answers for my revisions, our next child's name, a new story idea, my next husband, and the meaning to freakin' life on just about anything. And this is what happened Sunday. I realized, through really romantic BMX dude, what I want out of life.

Okay, back the truck up, Candyland you say. How can I find all that in one really bad reality show? Well first of all, it's better than Jersey Shore so right there my chances go up. Second, I think often times, it's about what's NOT being said, or what's NOT happening that is the true sign.

I also think my cold medicines are colliding and my brain is full of shizz. It's also possible this entire post is YOUR meaning to life. You just have to look really hard and the answers are there. Seriously. The answers are everywhere, if you want them to be.

Aaaannnndddd you're welcome.

Tell me friends, what was the last show you watched? Did it give you any answers you're looking for?
Candyland. OUT.
P.S. Tune in tomorrow for a special Thursday Feel Up with some more answers to your burning questions...

Late to the party, but [hopefully] rockin' it, Candyland style

So yesterday was Alex's Top 10 Songs blogfest and knowing me, I didn't prepare the post ahead of time and then-WHOOPSI-I got a migraine + a nasty cold, therefore derailing my list-making. So today, friends, bask in the deliciousness that is my ten favorite songs of all time. And let me tell you, coming from a seriously dedicated music fiend, THIS WAS HARD! Honestly, there are so many more songs that have defined the great moments in my life.

If you know me at all, you *know* there are two bands I'm head over heels for. But I think it's what led up to them that made me who I am. And you know, the best part of being in Candyland is that we can all love different things and be who we are, and still be BFFFFFFFFFFFFFs (even if your taste in music sucks worse than mine).

Dream On

Because this song, taught me to believe in myself. And every time I hear it now, I'm reassured...giving up is not an option. Ever. Steven Tyler and Joe Perry raised me. When life was too tough to deal with, I turned to them, and they reminded me to dream. Until my dreams come true.

Stairway to Heaven

This song takes me back to fifteen when I first learned guitar. I learned every part except the entire solo, because to me, the solo represented the dad who has raised me. It's always been said when he passes, I'll learn the rest and play it at his funeral. Even with our ups and downs, he was always at every open mic and nearly every band show with his lighter up (and his air guitar I wish he'd stop). This song goes out to him. And Jimmy Page because he's genius.

Hey You

Ohhhh The Wall. I still remember laying on my high school sweeeetttie's cough my junior year watching that movie. I heard it in my head when I wanted to rebel but could never listen to Floyd driving or I'd get sooooo relaxed I'd fall asleep. "Together we stand, divided we fall." 

Take It Away

Sound Effects + Overdramatics

There aren't enough words to describe my love for The Used (and I seriously love almost ALL of their songs). I thank the hubs for introducing me to Bert's beautiful scream back in the summer of 2004. I remember it because that scream was a defining moment. For me, for us. He doesn't scream just to scream like a lot of those "screamo-whatever-type" bands. I can literally *feel* his pain. Chills, every time. <3.

Resolve to Fight

I met these guys through The Used, which was like a present wrapped in a present, and, this song which is now tattooed on my forearm, is a reminder, much like Dream On, TO FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT for what you want. Double <3.

Beautiful

You probably haven't heard of this band. Even though they had some success before and after changing their name to Northmont, I also have this song tattooed, and it's mainly because these guys became family to me. I did promo for them and even walked down the aisle to this song. If you've never heard this, look it up. It's truly the most gorgeous song I've ever heard. Period.

Only One

The hubs and I met through mutual friends (see: Auryn/Northmont) at an open mic. When we started dating, we sometimes played them together (drummer + singer/guitarist) and THIS was one of my favorite songs to do with him. He played on his djembe, while I sat with my acoustic. It always reminds me of the days we fell in love *sigh*...

Let the Flames Begin

I heart Haley Williams. She's a little firecracker who can actually sing and this is my favorite song of theirs-especially the live version. It kicks a$$.

So Sick

I had the distinct pleasure of meeting, hanging out with and eating at IHOP with this band and they not only rock, but they're insanely nice. I LOVE a girl who sings with conviction and passion and screams the way Lacey does. It's not generic, it's from the gut. She's for realz. 

So that's it. There isn't a diverse selection because when I fall in love with a song, it's usually the band as a whole and I'm pretty dedicated (see: obsessed). Until tomorrow friends, tell me (becuase I missed most posts yesterday) what's your FAVORITE song ever?

Candyland. OUT.

Feel Me Up: Uh-oh. The truth cometh outeth...

So today is a special Feel Me Up. Keeping in line with D.L. + Talli, today is the Significant Other blogfest and you know what that means...

I give you...the hubs.

1. What food or drink is guaranteed to return your loved one to a good mood, even after a bad day writing? Home Made brand Cookies and Cream Ice Cream and a cafe mocha from Tim Horton's (4 Splenda for a medium and 6 for a large)

2. What one thing would you change about your others writing habits? Hmmmm...I love that she writes because it means so much to her and she's good at it. But sometimes I wish she had the ability to let it go when she stopped for the day. It lingers in everything she does and she can't stop thinking about it. I love her for it though.

3. How hard is it to sit by and watch someone you care for struggle to attain a dream...knowing there's very little you can do to help? It's tough (!). Really though, it's hard because there really is nothing I can do other than give her support or take the offspring somewhere so she can have peace and quiet. Sometimes when she's stuck, I try to help her with parts of her story she's stuck on, but I'm probably more of a hindrance than a help.
-Ends-

Yes dear, it IS tough. Geesh. I was hoping for something funny but it just got all serious. Poop. I don't even care if you've washed your hands or not today. Let's have at it.

Random Fact: Last night I twisted a child-proof cap for 5 minutes before setting it aside, and repeating the process two more times. I eventually gave up. Didn't know it was also Candyland-proof.

Random Fact: I don't always listen to the hubs when he's talking. Okay so it's not earth-shattering but he was literally just talking and walked away and I realized I have no effing idea what he just said.

That's it for today, peeps. Next week, more answers, some crap and fill in the blank. Until then tell me, what was the last thing someone said to you that you heard? More importantly, do you ever have problems getting those stupid caps open?

Also, check out these other participants in the blogfest and show some <3. 
Candyland. OUT.

I'm officially beefy, but Bert + BR80 don't care

So when you felt me up Friday, I told you the hubs and I have started on a new journey. You know...the DON'T BE FAT ANYMORE journey. I told you he lost 7 lbs in the first week while I only lost 1.5, though before I showered I re-weighed (in my birthday suit) and lost another 2lbs. I'll take it!

And though this isn't a weight loss blog, I think, much like anything else in life, by sharing, I'm making myself more accountable. Plus, you know I like to tell you things. But this is not a resolution. I started before the new year and I will continue long after other resolutions dissipate. I hope. Maybe I'm full of it. Who knows.

In the first week of our DON'T BE FAT ANYMORE journey, these are some of the things we've eaten:

Cheese omelets

Garlic rubbed sirloin steaks 

(yeah I burned the garlic. What of it?)

Double cheese meatloaf

Feta-stuffed chicken breasts

Mexican chili with jalapeno corn muffins

Chicken Fajitas

Cinnamon rolls

Cheese, green pepper and onion quesadillas

Mini pizzas

Ice cream sundaes

French toast

Chocolate

Olive Garden. Hellz yeah.

And still to come this week:

Fillets with mustard wine glaze

Roasted chicken and potatoes

Steak with mushroom gravy and mashed potatoes

Needless to say, it's never been easier to drop the pounds than now. I also think it's a great time to purge all the negative energy in our lives as well. By eating better and taking care of ourselves, maybe life will feel...better...(she hopes).

Oh, and a big thank you to those of you who've sent both physical and ecards. You have NO IDEA how grateful I am. They truly have brightened my dark days. But most especially, I want to thank Kelly for sending something that made me smile for like an hour:

Why yes, that IS my two favorite dudes (aside from the hubs), BERT + BR80 = <3

Until tomorrow friends, what was the best meal you had last week? And how are those resolutions going thus far? On the wagon or so far off, you're all "what resolution?"

Candyland. Out.

Feel Me Up: I'm SO hungry but he sure looks good in my shirt

Well friends, it's been a strange week. Full of crazy highs and of course the lows. But you've been there for me, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you. For shizz. I can't say I'm "healed" but I hope I'm on my way and honestly, I think it's from all of your love, prayers and good vibes. Oh and WELCOME NEW FOLLOWERS!

I want to end this week on a positive note because the mood has been so somber and...today's no different than any other Friday so go wash your friggin' hands and prepare for the awesome while that song sticks in your head the rest of the day (you're welcome).

Random Fact: So, despite everything this week, the hubs and I actually decided it was time to try to get healthy (resolution anyone?) and joined Weight Watchers. As of today, one week in, I've lost a whopping 1.5 pounds. Whooppee (sarcasm). The hubs lost...wait for it...SEVENEFFINGPOUNDS. Though I'm proud, it killed my weight loss buzz. I'm really hungry. REALLY hungry.

Random Fact: Okay this isn't about me but HHOLLLDDD UPPP! A certain someone's publicized pics sport a very familiar piece of clothing. To see what I'm talking about read the Audioperv HERE.

Thanks for taking my mind of things with your delicate hands. New to Feel Me Up? Be sure to come back every Friday for more Candyland random facts. Until Monday friends, I've seen resolutions posted everywhere but you tell me: What's your numero uno, top priority resolution?


Mine? Lose another five before January 29th. Though, at this rate, it will take me longer. Meh.


Candylandhungry. OUT.

You're not a judge but if you're gonna judge me...

If you see the girl in the corner, the one in the faded, ripped jeans she's had since high school, the black New Medicine hoodie that's black because she likes black, not because she's goth, and the fingerless gloves she cut herself because she likes the feel of things between her bare fingers, not through a thin layer of cloth, don't stare.

Sure, her skin is pale, her green eyes have faded to a dull gray, and her chapped lips crack and bleed but she sees you looking. She keeps her chin buried deep into the TWLOHA tee that peeks through the hoodie's metal teeth because she wants you to look away.

You think she's so rude, she must hate her life, why is she here if she hates it so much? You notice how she grinds her teeth, clenches her jaws until the muscles tense as she twists her balled up fists around inside the hoodie's front pockets.

And you stare harder.

But you don't know the girl, who she is (candylandgang), what she loves(grilled cheese, writing, sarcasm), hates (farm machinery, plastic cups, clowns), what she's going through (loss). You don't know she's wearing the faded, ripped jeans she's had since high school because they bring her comfort, remind her of a time when the pain took a different form, the less difficult kind.

And you don't know her skin is pale, her green eyes have faded to a dull gray, and her chapped lips crack and bleed because she's been through hell this week. She wanted to look different, better, but her looks reflect her feelings, and she's okay with that.

You might think twice about staring so hard at the girl in the corner. She's not rude, she's shy. She doesn't hate her life, she's sad. She's here because despite the timing, it's the offspring's dance night and that's what mommies do. She grinds her teeth, clenches her jaws until the muscles tense as she twists her balled up fists around inside the hoodie's front pockets because the physical pain of passing what's left of her baby, is anything but comfortable.

Yesterday, friends, was an amazingly uplifting day reading all of the posts and comments and emails from all of you. After a night of minimal sleep, it's come to my attention my body still has some releasing to do. I've been in a lot of pain, and the medicine isn't helping so I'm sure I look awful, act awful and seem like an awful person. But really, I just hurt.

Thank you so much for everything. Keep your stories coming. They really are helping me heal and I'm returning emails as fast as I can. It brings me SO MUCH joy to see a full inbox when I'm feeling so pooptastic.

If you want to know more about what led up to this difficult week, this covers it all: HUGS NOT DRUGS

Until tomorrow, tell me, have you ever judged a book (literal or metaphorical) by its cover? #behonest
Candyland. OUT.

A drop of memory births the story of me

I've been staring at a blank screen for too long now and every time I try to write something with meaning, I fail (or talk about my a-hole cat FIM) (he's watching me) (yeah I'm talking to you, jerk) (I was telling him, not you, friends). Anyway, yesterday I shared something traumatic I'm going through and it wasn't as easy as it seems to spill all. I pride myself in being as honest as possible, but sometimes it backfires and I end up feeling guilty for having shared at all.

And I have a confession.

I will not stop trying to make a baby, because I believe it will happen. I will not stop missing my father, but I will learn to heal. I will not stop querying, because I feel deep in my gut, no matter how much I sometimes want to throw in the towel, my agent is out there. And yours is too.

I lied.

I don't actually believe that second baby will ever come, maybe I will never heal from the loss of my father and it's a very real possibility I will not land an agent. That is my current, neurotic reality. I hope I'm wrong. I say what I say, less for me, and more for you. So YOU won't give up. So YOU will make something of yourselves and be everything I wish I could be.

As for me, I have yet to find my footing from this more than minor stumble through life. I've always been honest with you, friends, and today is no different. No matter what lies ahead for me, you have to fight. Fight like it's your last chance, your last word, your last breath. I sure as hell want to. Do it for me, for you, for every bad thing that's ever happened to you and for every feeling of self-doubt you want to punch in the face.

But right now, I've realized, I'm temporarily out of, yaknow, fight. At least until my a-hole cat gets OUT OF THE AISLE (seriously, find a new spot to lay). FRIENDS LISTEN: I love you. More than I ever thought I could love different spawns of life from across the globe (whom I've never met). You are my MEDICINE too.

So, I'm going to do something I've been wavering on for some time: Write the story of me. With these memories, these words, how can I not?

Candyland. OUT.

P.S. Wow...thank you to every one who has reached out in this devastating time. The emails are empowering, the phone calls make me smile when I don't feel like it, the posts make me feel like I'm not alone, like what I say and do does matter, and let me tell you, I'm so humbled by the friends I've found through writing...

Thank you.

Sometimes pain is a reminder we are alive

Candyland is going to talk about something some of you may turn away from, but I beg of you, if you must go, at least read the last two paragraphs. My wish for you in the coming year is resilience...something I'm being tested for on an ongoing basis.

I can't pretend this has been an easy holiday. I want to, but I can't. If you visited the blog in the last week, you saw what was an emotional first visit to my father's grave marker. He died in 2004 from cancer. Four whole years passed before I found out, and every day is another chance for my heart to break with the mere thought of it, him.

But seeing the marker was as close as I'll ever get to seeing him. And I'm trying to come to terms with that.

(Brace yourself for more crap news)

And then, something happened this weekend. Something I wasn't expecting. A few weeks back, I'd been feeling nauseated, drinking Sprite and smashing crackers into my mouth like it was my last meal. I didn't want to believe I could be, you know, pregnant, because it's been a tough road over the last two years. I'd miscarried 9/29/09 with what would have been our 2nd child, and now, I've lost what would have been baby number 3.

I'm sort of in a blur of emotions. From confusion, to anger, to grief, to WHY ME? And I don't want this post to depress you, but instead, inspire you. If you take away one thing from what I've lived, what I've said, take this: THE STRONG RESOLVE TO FIGHT.

I will not stop trying to make a baby, because I believe it will happen. I will not stop missing my father, but I will learn to heal. I will not stop querying, because I feel deep in my gut, no matter how much I sometimes want to throw in the towel, my agent is out there. And yours is too.

When you want to quit, think of me. And how effing stubborn I am.
Candyland. OUT.